Almost 3 months before the New Year life happened as it normally does but this time it came with a punch that was so powerful it knocked the wind out me. True to human form I cried, stressed myself out, got mad at no one and everyone around me, stop trusting those I once trusted and asked God, “why me, why now, why God?” I grew tired of hearing “everything happens for a reason, this is God’s plan for your life, there’s no testimony without a test, etc…” I exhausted myself of three cousins; you know them ‘would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve’. They were always in my conversation. If you would've..., I knew I should've..., My life could've..." These cousins will keep you living in the past, thinking of all the ways your situation could have been different.
My situation couldn't have been different because I am exactly where God wants me to be. Now by nature I am not an introvert so when I began shutting down and tuning out I knew there was an issue. Nor am I generally a mean spirited, spiteful, hateful person but when I began to spew words of venom through text messages, emails, phone calls, and face-to-face I had to take a look in the mirror and see this was not Nicole-I was broken. Broken into a million tiny pieces and in my mind I had no hope to be rebuilt or restored. I lived and wallowed in pain everyday from a past event. I was hopeless as Dion Farris says “as a penny with a hole in it.” Waking up everyday hurting and crying because of a past event(s) is not healthy nor is it productive.
No, it’s not productive to live in the past but in order to learn from those events you have to realize and accept the pain you felt. So when people say “let it go…’ “you have to forgive…” and my favorite “just stop thinking about it…” I want to scream, “Sure I’ll get right on that because it’s just that easy to do.” The reality of it is that forgiving is not easy, getting over being hurt is not something that happens over night, Let Go and Let God is not just a mantra or song that one sings and the pain is lifted. Removing yourself from a hurtful situation is a process, a process that for some can take days, months, and for others years. The negativity that comes with being hurt can drain you and while I try to stay hopeful I am a REALIST and know that that pain I feel is real. Everyday I feel it a little less, but it’s still there and it still hurts. It’s like falling off a bike, the pain from the bruise lessens each day but that scar is there to remind you of your fall. While I don’t have any visible wounds the memory is forever etched in my mind and therefore I will always remember the pain I felt.
I am embarking in a process of healing and I’ve decided today that I am ready. I’ve got my bags packed, (metaphorically speaking for all you literals out there in cyberspace), I am taking only the things I need on this journey and as I see fit I will continue to drop the excess baggage. On January 1st I penned a blog titled Regeneration and said that I am constructing a new Nicole and said “I am grateful this morning for this new life God has given me.” I was ready to enter that new life on January 1st but I wasn’t willing to let go of my past. All these things that happened to me did not make me a victim-instead it made me a Victor. I refuse to allow my past events to victimize me and make me feel less than. I am great and greatly made therefore all those that try to break me down will fail. I am a child of THE MOST HIGH and I am stronger than this challenge and this challenge is making me even stronger.
I am a work in progress and sometimes it is okay to take a step back and realize when you’re being ridiculous. I've not stopped, digressed, or stood still-I AM constantly moving.
I am not hopeless so don't count me out when you don't see what He sees.
