Perfectly Flawed

It’s November and all I can say is this year the devil has been busy in my life. Over the last 11 months I have been battered (not literally, symbolically speaking). Picture your heart being ripped from your chest and being stomped on, shot at, stabbed, and just for lack of a better word-mangled. I have been judged by what I’ve said, how I’ve said it, and what exactly it meant. I have been lied to from friends, family members, and kids. Now, for every rainy day there MUST be a few sunny days, so these last 11 months have not been all bad. My daughter, whom I didn’t believe I was going to ever had crawled, walked, and is now running, she smiles and lights up my life. My son has made honor roll, touchdowns, and unbelievable artwork that I will cherish for the rest of my life. My husband, has made me laugh, commissioned art pieces from 2 wonderful artists for both Mother’s Day and just because gifts. My family and friends have had wonderful shoulders for me to lean on and ears to listen when I was happy or sad, so life ain’t been all bad. When all is considered I AM truly blessed and highly favored because I was able to stand on the shoulders of giants.

I am writing this because sometimes we just have to write it down in order for it all to make sense. I’ve asked all the questions; I’ve questioned, when, “When Lord is this going to happen for me?” I have asked what. “What, am I going to do?” I’ve questioned, why? Why, Lord, why is this happening to me?” I’ve wondered how. “How, Lord, how will this/that happen?”

At the end of the day I ain’t perfect, I am as I’ve been saying for years a perfectly flawed work in progress but recently God turned my world, in the words of Diana Ross, upside down, inside out, round and round, he turned it. Those questions consumed me in my many times of need. However, this I know and truly believe, all things happen for a reason, we don’t understand it in that moment because we are too consumed with our issues. As time heals all wounds time also seems to put into place the answers to our questions.

When: I was looking for things and even with my glasses and contacts on had not seen what or that God had delivered me. It may have not been I wanted but it was most surely what I needed. I remember even looking at the amount of time that has passed thinking God is moving too slowly; I need and want this ‘thing’ right now. I had to remember in God’s time, not ours.

What: I was looking for God to show up, in white, rocking Jesus sandals- you know the ones made popular in the 90’s. I was not looking in a book, listening to the word at the few times I had attended church and not even in the words of the many gospel songs I listen to daily. I had not known I had the answer the entire time, just sitting in my home, it’s even on the internet know, with one simple Google search you can read about what to do.

Why: I was looking to hear God’s voice, you know like Morgan Freeman’s voice in Bruce Almighty. And even as still as I was attempting to be and as quiet as the room was I could not hear God’s voice. It was there, but my ability to hear him was limited because of the spirits that had surrounded and pulled me further away from him.

How: Even though he always made a way out of no way in the past, I failed to believe that he would make a way at that moment. Although I never wanted to admit it, it’s true, at some point my faith had waivered.

Marvin Sapp has a song called Praise Him in Advance and there is a prelude to the song where he says “…you can’t wait until after the situation is over to bless the name of the lord, those type of praisers are called conditional praisers…” that was me, a conditional praiser-many of you reading are conditional praisers. He goes on to say, “…but there are those individuals who have crazy faith, that even though they are looking at the obstacle before them they’re not going to allow what they see to hinder what they believe…” I want to have crazy faith to believe that my whens, whats, whys, and hows are going to be taken care of before they happen and up until 2 weeks ago I didn’t believe that.

I end this saying I am going into 2012 with less judgment about other people because unless you’ve been there you have no idea what you would or would not do. I refuse to allow my situations and circumstances define who I am. Ending 2011 with less fear-more faith, less talk-more show, less hate-more love. I am ending 2011 with an open heart and knowing that His will, will be done and if it is meant for me then it will be mine. I am ending 2011 praying and believing that what has happened these last 11 months DO NOT define me, but help to make me stronger, stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am ending 2011 not worrying about those who tried to take me and mine down. I am ending 2011 knowing that my haters can’t do what I do and that’s why they are haters-I can’t be worried about my haters, they can’t do anything to me that I don’t allow. I am ending 2011 knowing that I have the power to control my happiness, I know that God has favored me, because with all that I’ve experienced and lived through I know I am NOT a victim, I AM a survivor.

Facebook friends, I know there's a great deal of speculation about some of my posts, blogs, quotes, and pictures and I appreciate the interest on my life, but my life is not about entertaining you. I will never be limited with words or emotions so what I write are my truths and while I know it is human nature to wonder what this song, status update, or quote means ultimately you can speculate what happened the last 11 months of my life, calling, texting, and inboxing other Facebook friends to ask questions or you can look at the last 11 months of your life and reflect. I suggest the latter; we are all perfectly flawed works in progress.