Unconditional Love in Unconventional Way

“My life found I gotta live for the right now. Time waits for no man, can't turn back the hands once it's too late, gotta learn to live with regrets. You used to hold me, told me that I was the best. Anything in this world I want I could possess. All that made me want is all that I could get. In order to survive gotta learn to live with regrets...” Jay Z.

For so long I have had feelings of guilt over my mother’s death. I was so angry when she passed away. I was mad because she was an alcoholic and I felt as if she no longer cared about her family. Alcoholism consumed my mother until the day that she died. Everyone tells me to remember the good things about her and I try, but those times were so long ago. I was a child, maybe six or seven years old the last time I remember my mother being truly happy. The above picture is how I like to remember my mother. She was happy, full of life and always smiling, but even then I remember there being so much turmoil. I remember all of the arguing and fighting between her and my father and they could find just about anything to argue about: food, Kool-Aid, bills, me, my brother our dog, the house, the chores, work, television, etc... I mean just about anything and most of their “fights” ended with the police knocking at our door. I remember thinking to myself when I have the chance to get out, I ain’t ever coming back and I didn’t.

I left for the University of Cincinnati (UC) in 1997 and I have lived in Cincinnati ever since, only returning for breaks, holidays and an occasional weekend visit. Cleveland holds so many wonderful memories of my childhood but also a lot of heartbreak: my parent's divorce, my father's denial, my mother's alcoholism, and bad relationships with previous boyfriends, so much pain. By the time I got to UC I was over the feeling of being annoyed, angry, and even embarrassed by my parents and their behaviors. I was numb to it all. Ever since I can remember I made jokes about their behavior to cover up my pain. I never wanted people to have the first punch or the last laugh. I struck first to let people know that I knew my family was dysfunctional, I got the last laugh and even though I cried inside you would never know it. In fact many people considered me strong...I was so fragile back then, but these were my parents and I didn’t get to choose them but I do have choices. I knew that then, but I know better now.

I made the choice to stop visiting my mother mid-sophomore year. When friends would call and say, Nicki you gotta come home and take care of your mother, she is not doing well; I made the choice to say no, she’s just drinking, pour out the alcohol, give her some food and she will be okay. When she would call, I made the choice to have my roommates tell her I was in class and when she was hospitalized a week prior to her death I made the choice in believing her when she said that she would be okay and I stayed in Cincinnati, but like me she covered up her pain, masked the fact that she knew she was dying and told me she was fine. However, I made the choice to believe her as I had so many times before. Maybe she did not want me to see her the way she was, maybe she knew I was upset. I don't know what she thought but I had made those choices, like she made the choice to drink and alienate herself from her family and friends, at least this is what I told myself to make myself feel better about the choices I made. When my mother passed away I heard two things day after day, her voice from our last phone call telling me she would be fine and to finish my finals and It Will Rain by Kelly Price. I walked around the day she passed in disbelief, because we had just spoke 5 days prior and she told me she was fine. However, I made the choice to stay away. Not seeing my mother for almost 6 months before she passed.

Why, was the question I have been asking myself since her death almost 10 years ago…why did I refuse to talk to her...why did I not go home to see her…why was I so selfish…why did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen…that is a big question for me, as if I had a way to stop it from happening, but I truly believed that had I been there I could’ve protected her as I did when I was little. My mother smoked cigarettes, Newport was her brand, and I was scared that she was going to die like a friend’s mother so I would break her cigarettes in half and put them back in the box. She would grab one and the butt would be the only thing that would come out. When she started drinking, or at least when I realized it, I would pour all of the liquor out of the bottle and replace it with water. I got in so much trouble doing those things but in my mind I was protecting her. The point is I made choices that I cannot change and as I sit her trying to overcome the guilt that I have behind my mother’s death I realize that no matter what problems my mother had, her love was unconditional but it took her death for me to realize that.

My mother the great! She attended school plays, games, cheerleading competitions, conferences, and my first week of college. She made a big deal of holidays, birthdays, prom and whatever else I wanted to do. Send care packages to school filled with all the things I loved. She’d give her last to make my dreams come true. As a mother I now understand the importance of being in the now for your child. She was always in the now with me, knowing what was going on and asking how I was feeling about every aspect of my life. Even as she got deeper and deeper into her alcoholism she was there for me, but I was too young, too selfish, and too ungrateful to realize that her love was unconditional. I could call her any time of the day and she would be there to talk to me, walk me through a messy breakup, an argument with a girlfriend, a headache, or just uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. I turned 31 last year and I am still getting over the death of my mother. I cannot change the choices I made and knowing that I have to live with them has proven to be difficult. As I have grown older, I’ve found the only things I regret are the things I didn’t do or didn’t say.

So I will say them now. Mommy I am sorry. Mommy I love you. Mommy you were right about so many things.

"We should regret our mistakes and learn from them,

but never carry them forward into the future with us"

The Face of ADHD

A few years ago my son’s Kindergarten teacher told me that I should have him tested for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or as it is most commonly diagnosed in children, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as he had a difficult time focusing on day-to-day tasks. I laughed and thought he’s five years old, aren’t they all supposed to be bouncing off walls? From that on I was skeptical about any person who suggested that my son had ADD/ADHD. In first grade Azaan’s grades were excellent, nothing but A’s. His teacher stated he was a model student, no behavior problems, but that he couldn’t sit still and when he was finished with his work would talk. She suggested we get him tested, I suggested he was bored. In Kindergarten and First grade Azaan had always excelled in Language Arts. In Kindergarten he was placed in a first grade reading class and in first grade placed in a second grade reading class. Grades were clearly not an issue then, but both teachers stated if we did not get his hyperactivity under control we were headed for destruction.

In the second grade we switched Azaan to a Montessori school, because he was excelling in so many other areas, we believed this would allow him to take on the challenges of grade work a level above his own. He had to be recommended by a teacher who thought he was capable of the work. His first grade teacher gave the recommendation but also stated that if his hyperactivity is due to ADHD that it would be brought out even more in a Montessori environment. Montessori schools allow children to work on work a grade level above their own, but they require great independence and attention to detail. Not knowing much about ADHD then and skeptical about having my son labeled we moved forward with testing him into Montessori. He tested in and the school administration thought this would be a perfect fit for him. However, his First grade teacher was right about Montessori bringing ADHD out more. His adjustment from a traditional school to a Montessori school was the calm before the storm and when ADHD struck it was like Hurricane Katrina. Unfortunately it was during Second grade that his grades began to suffer.

Being a parent who still believes African American boys are being misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD at an alarming rate I was skeptical to even have Azaan tested. I’ve never believed in medicating children and had not heard of any alternative treatments, but that first year of Montessori was so bad I had to do something. I mean what do you do when you look at your then 6 year old son and see his grades suffering because he tends to hyper-focus on everything in sight and within his listening range? How do you accept a diagnosis of ADHD, especially when you are skeptical whether or not it is real? Well I've seen it and now believe it is real, how to treat my now 8 year old son is now my concern.

Given the diagnosis I read many books on ADHD and learned that Montessori schools are some of the most effective learning environments for children with ADHD because it teaches them to organize, give attention to detail and most importantly focus in on their work. While it is effective in the aforementioned areas it can be extremely difficult for someone who has untreated ADHD because there is a lot of movement around the room and children are allowed to talk using soft voices. In addition to reading we’ve tried behavioral and family-group therapy, behavior modifications of all types including for myself and my husband, punishments, making both his school and home environments more structured, change in diet and bed time, limits on TV and video games and nothing has brought his grades up, in fact they’ve gotten worse. Family therapy helped with raising his self esteem as now he understands he is not the only one who has a hard time focusing on one activity. But what is a parent to do when they struggle with how to effectively treat their child’s symptoms and shutters at the mere thought of medication?

I’ve heard stories that made me hopeful for Azaan as well as scared, read about stars that’ve learned to manage and live with ADHD without medicating. I’ve talked to parents who choose not to medicate and how wonderful their child/children are doing but guess what, none of their stories are a cookie cutter replica to my son and his behaviors. No two stories are alike, and I feel like I've heard them all. From the, "my daughter is a successful lawyer who was never medicated," or "my son is a college football player with good grades, he saw a psychologist throughout school, and was never medicated" and my two favorites, "I P.U.S.Hed, you know Prayed Until Something Happened or the most common response from many African Americans "I just beat it out of him." I talked to a woman who said that her son became strung out on his medication by age 16 and that she blamed herself. I saw on dateline where a little boy developed heart condition from the use of his ADHD medication. I've heard that once you start with these kinds of medications that your child will be on them for the rest of his/her life. Trust me, I've heard it all, but still the question remains, how do I help Azaan. None of these people are my son and while the stories can be both encouraging and extremely scary, they are not Azaan's stories and nor do they have to be.

I’ve known for several years that Azaan was far more active then most children his age. He was also not your typical child, talking before one, potty trained about 18 months, reading before Kindergarten, and strong willed almost to the point of defiance. Yes, Azaan is not your typical child, sometimes in conversation you may forget you are speaking to an eight year old. Ever since his Kindergarten teacher suggested he be tested I questioned but how, he is so intelligent. However, I was in denial because no parent wants to believe there is something wrong with their child. I’ve come to understand that ADHD does not mean broken, defective, or unintelligent; it just means different. We all have many gifts; this is yet another one of Azaan’s gifts. Albeit hard to unwrap, it’s still a gift.

There are so many faces to ADHD and we still don’t believe that it is real. As both a parent with a son who has the gift of ADHD and a teacher who has several students who have been diagnosed with ADHD, it is real and lives within our children. Early on I said I didn’t believe in medicating children and trust me I’ve gone back and forth about how to most effectively treat Azaan’s ADHD symptoms. However, since nothing has proven to be effective, I am more open to discuss medication as an option to treatment of Azaan’s ADHD symptoms.

As parents it is our job to educate, protect, love and care for our children and as Azaan’s mother I will do whatever it takes to help him be the BEST Azaan he can be, and if medication plays a part in assisting him to become the next great whatever he wants to be, then so bid. "Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children" and I want Azaan's memory to be of his father and I always fighting and doing what's best for him no matter what.

2009 In Retrospect

If 2008 was a year of experience for me than 2009 was one of commencement. I witnessed history as Barack Obama, the United States’ first African American President was sworn in. I learned the meaning of true commitment and unconditional love within a marriage. I dealt with past issues never previously addressed; friendships that where and trust me when I say needed to be put to rest. Questioned myself a lot along the way, prayed, and yes I’ll admit sometimes strayed from my faith. I’m only human. It was tough, trying, and at times I wanted to give up, but I made it. I learned that we are all just perfectly flawed humans in a world where too many strive for perfection. I am still a work in progress, but I love me, flaws and all. How about a round of applause for all the haters in 09’ who tried to bring me down? I’d say job well done, but I’m still standing.

Here are the top 10 lessons I learned in 2009! Most are quotes that spoke to me and a situation I learned from.

1. “Everybody’s at war with different things. I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.” Tupac. Sometimes you will fight with yourself, but you have to make peace with your decisions and learn to let go.
2. “Never a failure, always a lesson.” Rihanna. We mustn’t dwell on things we cannot change. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
3. “Take me as I am!” MJB. Just be who you are, it’s okay to do you. Pretending only goes so far. Smart people can always tell the real from the fake.
4. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are worthy of all that you receive. You are much wiser than you were last year, stronger than you were last month, better than you were last week making you Greater than you were yesterday. Each day is a progression of a life that gets better as we get better.
5. Life is not all about you and your beliefs, no matter how much you would like to believe it is. There are other people on this earth who are of a different religion, race, and sexual orientation. You don't have to like any of it, but you should at least try to respect others and their beliefs. Learn to COEXIST.
6. Not only do I not know what's going on most of the time, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. Not one person knows everything but everyone knows something.
7. "Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, so they can become your blessings." Everything is a blessing. Learn how to unwrap the gifts given to you and use them to further your life.
8. If you don’t love it, change it. If you can’t change it, learn to accept it, but do not complain about it. Complaining without a solution is just considered rambling!
9. “Love, like the process of human life is always changing and unless we stay aware and change with it, both love and life will elude us.” If being okay with who you are takes time just think how much time it takes being okay in your relationships.
10. "Our entire life consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as we are." Look in the mirror and love what you see.

Peace, light, and love in the New Year. Be blessed and remember to always do you!

Nicole

“Today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.”

Today I chose to be happy, despite the “bad” hair day I was having, my students “sad” choices, and a number of other things that could have and would have normally altered my mood I remained happy throughout my day. Every morning I wake up with choices. I can choose to be mad and allow the negativity to consume me or I can choose to say that is only a second, minute, or hour in a day that is filled with so many more choices. Why not make the best of the remaining seconds, minutes, and hours in my day. Some days pain is inevitable, but to make a choice and stand by that choice takes courage, no matter the outcome. Being able to make choices, whether right or wrong and live with no regrets is extremely liberating. “Today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.” Love you!

The Front Row Seat of Your Life

I was such a trustworthy person. I used to trust first and hurt later because I did not allow time to show me where to place people in my life. I was always passing out front row tickets and VIP backstage passes for all to have an exclusive role in my life. I always thought of myself as a GREAT judge of character, and still believe that I am, but when people would show me who they REALLY were, I tended to give them the benefit of the doubt instead of taking that as their truth. Not anymore, over the last 2 years I began taking inventory of my relationships. If I noticed this person was always causing drama, not valuing our friendship/the things I did for them or was just plain NEGATIVE, I began loving them from the balcony and not the front row. Some people even had their tickets refunded at the door.

My life is much too precious and those that are in my life for the long haul deserve more of my time. Some of these relationships were draining and the jealousy and negativity had such an impact on my life that I decided it was time to make changes. Here is something I found on the internet a while back and is the source of my TOTD today.

"Life is like a theater, so invite your audiences carefully. Not everyone is holy enough and healthy enough to have a FRONT ROW seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships, and even family!!!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones give and take and which ones only take, take? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill or just standing still???

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you? The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more you seek things that are honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the BALCONY of your life.

You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the FRONT ROW of your life. Remember that FRONT ROW seats are for special and deserving people and those who sit in Your FRONT ROW should be chosen carefully.

Everyone does not deserve a front row seat in your life. Sometimes you will find that your front row seats are empty, but that does not mean that you don't have any friends or wonderful relationships, it just means that those special seats are reserved for special people."

Author Unknown

~ Love You!

My year in review. What I learned in 2008

1. Put you first! Never allow someone else to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option!
2. Only keep the necessities! Remember the only people you need in your life are the ones that prove you need to be theirs!
3. Do Not down play yourself! You are a work in progress, keep striving each day to be a better you. Be sure of your ability to do what is necessary to improve your life.
4. Speak now or forever hold your peace! "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
5. Take charge! Either choose to stay in the passenger seat and allow someone else to guide your life or get behind the wheel and follow your own path, but whatever you do, do not be a backseat driver.
6. Count your blessings! Remember there is no such thing as a "series of unfortunate events, our blessings always come in between our misfortunes-this is how we survive and can hope for a better tomorrow."
7. Activate your life! Set in motion those things in which you plan to accomplish. Dream big; accomplish one great thing one day at a time.
8. Live Life Abundantly! Change your thinking to change your life. Inspire, encourage, and uplift yourself. Share your knowledge with as many people who will listen.
9. Live in the Moment! What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment and you should "be happy for this moment, because this moment is your life."
10. Just do you! "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

A New Black Identity

Many question whether or not Obama's ride to the White House as President Elect will change how Black America feels about itself. Whether or not we will drop Black or African and simply be called 'Americans'. I have my doubts, because race is so prevalent in the U.S.A. Will we as a nation of ignorant yet educated and educated yet ignorant citizens ever find a common ground? Will there always be a bone to pick about something? Will we ever find a common ground, something that makes us so much more alike than we are different? Truth be told we are more alike than we are different, we are all conceived, born, we all eat, sleep and drink to live, we all bleed blood, have emotions and we have all cried, and in the end we will all die someday. We do not come into this world kicking and screaming our racial identity. Society placed labels on us just because of who our parents are and we just continued to check the box as we applied to colleges, for jobs and took part in senseless surveys.

This election proved that there was no 'Bradley Effect'. Forty-four percent of Caucasians, which is more than John Kerry, Al Gore or even Bill Clinton exit polls show, voted based on politics and not color.

I was talking to a friend who is bi-racial today. He was upset that Obama made the 'Mutt' comment and stated that he was disappointed in his choice of words. I too was disappointed in his choice of words, not because it offended me, but because it placed the focus on race. While it was said with an ease and he did not walk on egg shells, it was still again about race. I asked him, "when will we move pass the race issue and start focusing on what we can do to unite the US?" His reply, "I cannot believe he would categorize an entire race of people as mutts!" Look in some shape, form or fashion we are all mutts, there I said it. None of us, not one of us, is 100% anything. And we have America to thank for that! I am proud to be an African American woman, and yes sometimes it can be a obstacle but I cannot change who I am, nor do I want to. My point is does race have to be something that continues to handicap us?

Should we take the boxes off of the applications and just put American? Should Black/African Americans want to be just American now? Should bi-racial people stop straddling the fence and just be American too? How can we end the racism in American if we still want to be called American Indian, African American, or Chinese American? Do we make ourselves more different when we add our race-American? The answer as an article puts it, used to be simple: because a race-obsessed society made the decision for us. But as of November 5th will African Americans be expected to change their identity? Will HBCUs close their doors just because Obama is the 44th President? Will organizations such as the NAACP fight for all Americans and not just African Americans? Will the UNCF support all races in their dream to go to college? Since the dream of having a Black President has now become a reality will Essence, Ebony and Jet still focus on Black America or will it expand its horizons? Before Tuesday, November 4th, black identity and community were largely rooted in the shared experience of the struggle - real or perceived - against a hostile white majority. However, Obama won, and we know that 12-13% of African Americans did not do this alone, so is there still a hostile white majority? These are some of the questions I hear in the grocery store, in the teacher's lounge at school and via text messages and emails.

Certainly racism did not disappear after Obama's white votes were counted. No one is claiming that black culture and pride and community are no longer valuable. Many also dismiss the idea of a "post-racial" America as long as blacks and other minorities are still disproportionately afflicted by disparities in income, education, health, incarceration and . But white groups that once faced discrimination, such as the Italians, Jews and Irish, have moved from the margins to the mainstream. So why not Black America?

Should Black Americans change their identity to become part of the mainstream?

My opinion for what it is worth is that we don't need to somehow change our identity to move past the race issue. I think that we can move past the race issue and still call ourselves Black/African American. I think taking away the race-American makes it seem like we are not proud to be Black/African-American. I wonder do people think that since President-Elect Obama will be our 44th President that racism all of a sudden will just end? It's alarming the conversations that I have had since his being elected.

I also do not believe that a title such as Black/African American defines a whole group of people. Because yes, I look black to most people but I am so much more than that and being Black/African American does not classify who I am. I have Indian, white and AFrican ancestry. I think in terms of race having a title only places us in a group of which others can identify us, because usually we are more than just African American, but do I want to take it away? NO. It's funny because my dad used to say that if someone does not like you because of your race then they truly have not gotten to know you. I was a hard child to deal with, LOL. He said there are so many other reasons why a person could choose to either love or hate a you. I guess he thought that if we got to know one another a little better we would see that race was not a good enough reason not to like someone.

I'm opposed to changing my identity on so many levels. I think we need to continue to work on us as a people. I think Obama's being elected is a great start and provides a visual to the new generation of young minorities that YES WE CAN do anything we set our minds to, but his being elected does not eradicate the problems that we have faced or will face. We have to start with educating ourselves and others.

Link to the article that provided some of the inspiration for this blog. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081108/ap_on_re_us/obama_black_future