The Year of Quotes, Memes, Me and Progress: 2014 a Year In Review

With 10 days before 2015, I realize I am not the same woman I was this time last year. Since I have written more in 2014 than I have in years, I am taking with me 10 things I 'memed'. 

2014 was definitely the year of quotes, memes and progress for me.

This following is not one that I wrote but it spoke to me and is 100% true. I am working on the way I choose to handle situations. I am also taking this with me in 2015. 

God bless! I hope you all continue to sow what has helped you grow, but pull and throw away anything that stifles your progress. 

See Y'all in 2015!! 

Nicole

Confirmation

In 2013 I grew in my relationship with God. I began attending church on a more regular basis, prayed and even picked up my bible to begin a 13 week Reconciliation Journey. I fell short on some days, forgot to pray and while the 13 week Reconciliation Journey is over and I am still working on it I have gained a sense of peace in knowing that God is always in control. I prayed on my marriage, career, and on several friendships, I noticed that every time He spoke it was a loud voice, much clearer than I had heard in the past. His voice was not only louder but clearer and not to be mistaken with my conscious weighing the pros and the cons, it was a calm unwavering voice declaring to me that “it” was the right choice. It was this voice that led me to write this first blog of 2014. I almost went to bed with a heavy heart this morning because something was taken from me without my agreement. Instead of getting upset per my usual, I prayed, laid my head on my pillow and I slept well, no uneasiness and no hard feelings. Although, I spoke to my husband and a close friend about it I still feel good about the decision that was made for me, because it was confirmation to what I had already spoken to God about. I am going into 2014 with an open mind, a willing heart and the expectation that God can do ANYTHING but fail. My faith grew this morning, sometimes receiving confirmation will do that. I’ve learned that once God has spoken to you about a situation that it’s best to let Him deal with it from there on out so after I enter this blog I am letting go and letting God.

Love and War – 2013 My Year In Review

It’s funny when you begin to learn who you are, accept it and move closer to that person the more people you begin to lose. People are funny because they want the truth as long as it doesn’t affect them or their beliefs, or as long as they can continue to count on you to be who you’ve always been to them-and sometimes you’re the flaky friend who is always late, which gives them reason to excuse their own tardiness. I’ve learned so much about myself from the people I’ve had in my life this year.

With that said in no particular order here are the 10 things I am taking from 2013.

1. When you’ve begin to learn who you are and accept it there will ALWAYS be people not accepting of your change, simply because your change and your growth, sometimes means you’ve outgrown them/that relationship.

2. Some people like drama and not just in their lives. They create it, sit back and watch it unfold. All the while you are in pain and they are entertained so they keep the drama going for their pleasure.

3. Silence is sometimes the loudest and most important answer you’ll ever receive. So take those unanswered text message, emails, phone calls, and keep it moving.

4. When people love you, they love you. Their love sometimes takes 5-10 minutes out their day just to see if your situation has worked itself out.

5. If they can make time for others they can and will make time for you, if they want to.

6. Love is not supposed to hurt, but it’s not as pretty as movies make it look either. Sometimes that war that you are battling is showing you how much the other person loves you. Remember, we fight for what we love.

7. Most people have unreal expectations of relationships and love. They want you to do X, Y, Z after you’ve already done A-W and they’ve not even entertained the thought of doing A. If you can’t give it, please stop expecting it.

8. In regards to number 7. People will NEVER give as you give, so don’t expect their love to be the same as yours, but expect something-again remember their silence says a GREAT deal. There is a thin line between numbers 7 and 8.

9. My marriage, my kids, and my family are just important as any of yours. Even with all our flaws they’ve proven to be one, if not the only constant and stable fixture in my life.

10. Everything has a season, EVERYTHING. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Some people are trees-stable and sturdy, but others are leaves: they bud, they deliver what they are meant to deliver and absorb what they are meant to absorb, they detach themselves or you detach yourself from them, they change and then they are gone away-giving back to the atmosphere. They find themselves being a part of this process in the lives of other people. We must allow ourselves to experience these seasons without sorrow, because it is merely life unfolding.

If our relationships fail it’s not the fault of one person, it is the fault of the people involved. Being in a relationship of any kind is work-HARD work and if the parties are not willing to work the relationships will fail. One person cannot keep a relationship thriving. It’s only fitting that this blog is titled Love and War, because I’ve been in love, at war or both during 2013.

God bless you all in the upcoming year and I hope you all take inventory for the stock you had in 2013.


© Nicole Williams, 2013

I Was Not Built to Break: 2012 in Retrospect

With only 30 days left in 2012 I wanted to share with you all that I’ve learned in 2012. Please be sure to check out “Dear Nicole” a letter I wrote to myself before the New Year.

 
I heard so much this year, but mostly I heard “Nicki, stop posting on Facebook, stop blogging and stop talking about what’s going on in your life to everyone”. However, what I learned through Facebook, blogging and talking to other people is that we all have similar situations. We’ve all lost a loved one, been in a bad relationship, lost a friendship, something or someone we loved and we all have that one song that pulls us in, stirring up emotions that we didn’t know we still had. We’ve all had that moment where we felt a bit touched, biopolar or crazy. We’ve all had something happen to us that we didn’t believe we’d ever get through it; some of us even thought we’d die. What I’m saying is that why should any of us be ashamed of our experiences, if it has not happened directly to us we know and have cared for someone it has happened to, but chances are we’ve all been there, one way or another. A person knowing, is still a person knowing, so should it matter if they found out during Testimony Tuesday at church, your relationship change on Facebook or your rant on Twitter? No, it shouldn’t but it does and what I’ve learned this year is that it’s cool to tell your experience but we have to be careful who we share with because not everyone who says “I’ll pray for you” is praying for what you’re praying for.

 
With that said these are the ten things I take from 2012.


1. Everyone is not your friend. I don’t care if they’ve been there since you were knee high to a grasshopper. You have to know where to draw the line, even with your best friends. Some things you can only share with God.

2. Don’t allow everyone around your family, in your home, and in your personal space, not everyone has a good spirit. Trust and believe you don’t want their spirit in your home, on you or your family well after those people have left your life.

3. Save a little of yourself for yourself, if you give all of you away one day you will not know who you are and you’ll be left trying to piece the pieces of you together.

4. Tears are cleansing, cry and you’ll feel better.

5. Stop listening to everyone. You know you better than anyone walking this earth. Trust in yourself and watch what happens.

6. No one should be your everything. If they are your everything is there really any room for you? If you answered yes, it’s probably a really small space.

7. Be honest with yourself. It only hurts you in the end.

8. Before you forgive anyone else learn to forgive yourself first, that’s hard to do knowing you have to take ownership and be responsible for your part in the mess you’re in. If you say you have no part in the mess you’re in, you’re lying to yourself. See number 7.

9. Everything is everything. It is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t. Stop wishing it was something different; all that wishing won’t change your situation and you’ll just prolong your healing.

10. This is life; it does not come with an owner’s manual. Mistakes will be made and hearts will be broken. Sometimes you make the mistakes and sometimes it’s your heart that is broken, but no matter what you have to pick the pieces up and keep it moving, otherwise you’ll lose the battle and possibly end up losing the war.

 
Life’s trials are meant to bend you, they’re not meant to break you-tap into the inner strength The Most High has reserved for the hardest trials and fight! Fight your way out of whatever is holding you back from being the best you that you can be; because we’re not meant to just be average-if we’re made in His image than we are powerful beyond belief, we just have to believe in ourselves.

 
I wish you nothing but the best in all that you do and may 2013 be your year.

 
God Bless!

 
Nicole

I AM Not My Hair Pt. 2

Yesterday I was asked had I gone natural to be 'trendy'. I didn't have to think about my reply because I'd been thinking about going natural before it was even cool to do so, had even been natural 10 years ago when pregnant with my first born. Back then there weren’t a lot of stylists who 'specialized' in natural hair care and no where near the amount of products out today, so that love affair ended shortly after giving birth. I'd try several times over the next 9 years to have natural hair, but I always fell short. My definition of natural hair is: hair free of chemicals and not altered but in a natural or as close to a natural state as it can be. Yes in my opinion wearing a weave is not natural even if it looks natural or 'afro-centric', sorry to all my natural hair friends who call these protective styles. Yes, they protect the delicate natural hair from damage but they alter your hair's natural state, just my opinion.


I decided almost a year ago to kick my addiction for the creamy crack. Eleven days ago I took out my hair extensions, weaves, installments, or whatever you want to call them. I did it, the Big Chop 'BC' as the natural hair community calls it. Yesterday I cleaned out my closet giving away 2 shopping bags of unopened weave away and 2 jars of unused relaxer. I got rid of my $200 Malaysian 20' inch weave bought only 2 months ago as well as my half wigs/falls and pony tails. Why? I didn't want or need the temptation. My friend said it seemed sudden, and it was but I got tired, tired of trying to find a way around my hair. Even though I've always had a lot of hair it never did what I wanted it to do, my curls wouldn't stay unless they were gelled to rock hard status. It was never the length I wanted, well not on both sides. It was never as thick as I'd liked. The weave gave me 'the' look I wanted.

Now many natural women screamed I was oppressed, depressed, and overly stressed trying to fit into the white man's ideal of beauty. I never agreed, weave was the equivalent of makeup to me, enhancing my hair as makeup did my features. I just wanted something my relaxed 'natural' hair couldn't give me-versatility, where my hair couldn't the weave could. That was my ‘weave it til you achieve it’ theory. So nope this is not a trendy thing for me. I'm not looking to do the next 'it' thing. I've decided that I'm going to just be me, embrace the unruly curls God blessed me with.

With that said I'm not natural by any means and I don't plan on embracing "I'm Natural" Movement. First of all my hair is natural I am not, here’s why. I drink Diet Pepsi more than I should, wear make up every chance I get, I eat fast food and I'm sure they don't use organic meat, bread, vegetables or dairy products. I drink alcohol; have worn and may still wear acrylic and shellac to achieve a certain look on my nails. I own several pairs of Spanx, minimizing bras and even a few pair of pants that claim to enhance the shape of your butt. I wear heals not for comfort but to make my legs look better. I cannot say I'm a naturalista because I don't live a natural lifestyle, again I am not natural, my hair is natural. And while I agree that having natural hair is healthier for us I don't believe that it will fit everyone's lifestyle, I'm not sure that it fits mine just yet, but I'm willing to see.

I say to my sisters who are fond of their extensions continue to weave it til you achieve it. To my sisters who relax the curl out of their hair every 4-6 weeks do you boo. To my sisters who are in the natural hair community it does take a certain amount of confidence to rock your natural hair. To society who seems to give way too much attention to the hairs on the heads of African American women everywhere I say I am not my hair and my hair is not a trend, nor is it a political statement. It doesn't make me more or less black. It is not a trophy and is not to be worshipped if the texture is softer or the length is long. You should not ask if it is weave because I've achieved a length and shine you're not use to. Don't ask to touch it to see if it is soft. Don't tell me it's pretty when straight but not socially acceptable or professional in its natural state. It's just hair and the beauty in being alive is the ability to make choices and be different.

As African American women we still have to learn that it’s our diversity which makes us beautiful being natural in no way means superior or more swagged out as I’ve read. Having a relaxer does not mean you want to be white and wearing a weave no matter if it’s 1B Yakhi or braided up in an Afro-centric still is still altering your hair’s natural state. So stop thinking that if you’re natural and wearing braids as a protective style that you are some how better than the sister who had 100% Indian Remi hair sewn in her head, weave is weave no matter how you sew it or braid it up. Choose, be and live your definition of beauty and be happy with who you are! I’ve just decided to allow my hair to just be hair, for it not to make a political or fashion statement, be a conversation piece, make me pro-black or more socially conscious. I am still the same Nicole who in December of 2010 Wrote I Am Not My Hair and I still believe all of those things. It’s just now I am choosing to wear my hair natural but that in no way changes who I am.

Again, I sing, “I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations no. I am not my skin. I am a soul that lives within. Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person? Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity? I am expressing my creativity. If I wanna shave it close. Or if I wanna rock locks. That don't take a bit away from the soul that I got. If I wanna where it braided all down my back, I don't see what’s wrong with that…”
India Arie, I Am Not My Hair

Reality TV...Whose To Blame?

I would be a liar if I said I have never watched even a milli second of any of LAHH Atl. I've watched EVERY episode of BBW, RHOA, LAHH, and LAHH Atl. and pretty much any other reality TV show out there and I am sure that if Real Mistresses of Atlanta gets picked up that I would watch that as well. Even if you don't watch any of the aforementioned shows just by talking about them you are unknowingly advertising and making someone else curious enough to want to watch. My watching these shows does not mean I don’t value myself, or carry myself as a queen, it does not mean that I believe in materialism over morals. Nor does it mean that I don’t care about ObamaCare, Politricks, or that I am somehow amused by ghetto and ignorant behaviors and that I don’t respect myself, my culture, or my race.

I understand there is a lack of ethics in every single one of these shows, but does that mean I lack morals because I watch? Absolutely not! However, let’s get real and honest; these ‘Reality TV Stars’ are just pawns. Where exactly does the moral responsibility lay, with the viewer or with the production company, the ‘Reality TV Star’ and their agent, the TV advertisers, YOU, or is society as a whole REALLY to blame?


Reality TV is nothing new, Candid Camera was one of the first reality TV shows and it was based purely on people allowing themselves to be humiliated publically, all the current reality TV shows are much like Candid Camera. Yes, I the viewer allow these shows to stay on air because I tune in, DVR, and talk about the shows (DEMAND), and the production companies and TV executes come up with a concept that is juicer than the last show one which humiliates another human being, the ‘Reality TV Star’ who only wants their slice of the ‘American Dream’ so they willingly sign on and give their agent 20% and advertisers then fund the whole project (SUPPLY).


We have to be careful where we assign blame, because even if you don’t watch these TV shows your comments on Facebook and blog sites are advertisement. Your Tweets help these shows that you find so appalling to become a trending topic, these people who you call ghetto you’re your tweets help them stay relevant…social sites are the new advertising and well those of you who write blogs, tweets, and set aside time to rant on Facebook and other social sites well you do their job for free. All I am saying is the viewer is a small fish in this sea of immorality. Society has a lot to do with it.

So before you step off your soapbox of judgment take a look at how you fit into the puzzle of contradiction and realize you too keep these shows on the air and those ghetto individuals relevant.

HOPELESS?

Almost 3 months before the New Year life happened as it normally does but this time it came with a punch that was so powerful it knocked the wind out me. True to human form I cried, stressed myself out, got mad at no one and everyone around me, stop trusting those I once trusted and asked God, “why me, why now, why God?” I grew tired of hearing “everything happens for a reason, this is God’s plan for your life, there’s no testimony without a test, etc…” I exhausted myself of three cousins; you know them ‘would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve’. They were always in my conversation. If you would've..., I knew I should've..., My life could've..." These cousins will keep you living in the past, thinking of all the ways your situation could have been different.

My situation couldn't have been different because I am exactly where God wants me to be. Now by nature I am not an introvert so when I began shutting down and tuning out I knew there was an issue. Nor am I generally a mean spirited, spiteful, hateful person but when I began to spew words of venom through text messages, emails, phone calls, and face-to-face I had to take a look in the mirror and see this was not Nicole-I was broken. Broken into a million tiny pieces and in my mind I had no hope to be rebuilt or restored. I lived and wallowed in pain everyday from a past event. I was hopeless as Dion Farris says “as a penny with a hole in it.” Waking up everyday hurting and crying because of a past event(s) is not healthy nor is it productive.

No, it’s not productive to live in the past but in order to learn from those events you have to realize and accept the pain you felt. So when people say “let it go…’ “you have to forgive…” and my favorite “just stop thinking about it…” I want to scream, “Sure I’ll get right on that because it’s just that easy to do.” The reality of it is that forgiving is not easy, getting over being hurt is not something that happens over night, Let Go and Let God is not just a mantra or song that one sings and the pain is lifted. Removing yourself from a hurtful situation is a process, a process that for some can take days, months, and for others years. The negativity that comes with being hurt can drain you and while I try to stay hopeful I am a REALIST and know that that pain I feel is real. Everyday I feel it a little less, but it’s still there and it still hurts. It’s like falling off a bike, the pain from the bruise lessens each day but that scar is there to remind you of your fall. While I don’t have any visible wounds the memory is forever etched in my mind and therefore I will always remember the pain I felt.

I am embarking in a process of healing and I’ve decided today that I am ready. I’ve got my bags packed, (metaphorically speaking for all you literals out there in cyberspace), I am taking only the things I need on this journey and as I see fit I will continue to drop the excess baggage. On January 1st I penned a blog titled Regeneration and said that I am constructing a new Nicole and said “I am grateful this morning for this new life God has given me.” I was ready to enter that new life on January 1st but I wasn’t willing to let go of my past. All these things that happened to me did not make me a victim-instead it made me a Victor. I refuse to allow my past events to victimize me and make me feel less than. I am great and greatly made therefore all those that try to break me down will fail. I am a child of THE MOST HIGH and I am stronger than this challenge and this challenge is making me even stronger.

I am a work in progress and sometimes it is okay to take a step back and realize when you’re being ridiculous. I've not stopped, digressed, or stood still-I AM constantly moving.

I am not hopeless so don't count me out when you don't see what He sees.