I Was Not Built to Break: 2012 in Retrospect

With only 30 days left in 2012 I wanted to share with you all that I’ve learned in 2012. Please be sure to check out “Dear Nicole” a letter I wrote to myself before the New Year.

 
I heard so much this year, but mostly I heard “Nicki, stop posting on Facebook, stop blogging and stop talking about what’s going on in your life to everyone”. However, what I learned through Facebook, blogging and talking to other people is that we all have similar situations. We’ve all lost a loved one, been in a bad relationship, lost a friendship, something or someone we loved and we all have that one song that pulls us in, stirring up emotions that we didn’t know we still had. We’ve all had that moment where we felt a bit touched, biopolar or crazy. We’ve all had something happen to us that we didn’t believe we’d ever get through it; some of us even thought we’d die. What I’m saying is that why should any of us be ashamed of our experiences, if it has not happened directly to us we know and have cared for someone it has happened to, but chances are we’ve all been there, one way or another. A person knowing, is still a person knowing, so should it matter if they found out during Testimony Tuesday at church, your relationship change on Facebook or your rant on Twitter? No, it shouldn’t but it does and what I’ve learned this year is that it’s cool to tell your experience but we have to be careful who we share with because not everyone who says “I’ll pray for you” is praying for what you’re praying for.

 
With that said these are the ten things I take from 2012.


1. Everyone is not your friend. I don’t care if they’ve been there since you were knee high to a grasshopper. You have to know where to draw the line, even with your best friends. Some things you can only share with God.

2. Don’t allow everyone around your family, in your home, and in your personal space, not everyone has a good spirit. Trust and believe you don’t want their spirit in your home, on you or your family well after those people have left your life.

3. Save a little of yourself for yourself, if you give all of you away one day you will not know who you are and you’ll be left trying to piece the pieces of you together.

4. Tears are cleansing, cry and you’ll feel better.

5. Stop listening to everyone. You know you better than anyone walking this earth. Trust in yourself and watch what happens.

6. No one should be your everything. If they are your everything is there really any room for you? If you answered yes, it’s probably a really small space.

7. Be honest with yourself. It only hurts you in the end.

8. Before you forgive anyone else learn to forgive yourself first, that’s hard to do knowing you have to take ownership and be responsible for your part in the mess you’re in. If you say you have no part in the mess you’re in, you’re lying to yourself. See number 7.

9. Everything is everything. It is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t. Stop wishing it was something different; all that wishing won’t change your situation and you’ll just prolong your healing.

10. This is life; it does not come with an owner’s manual. Mistakes will be made and hearts will be broken. Sometimes you make the mistakes and sometimes it’s your heart that is broken, but no matter what you have to pick the pieces up and keep it moving, otherwise you’ll lose the battle and possibly end up losing the war.

 
Life’s trials are meant to bend you, they’re not meant to break you-tap into the inner strength The Most High has reserved for the hardest trials and fight! Fight your way out of whatever is holding you back from being the best you that you can be; because we’re not meant to just be average-if we’re made in His image than we are powerful beyond belief, we just have to believe in ourselves.

 
I wish you nothing but the best in all that you do and may 2013 be your year.

 
God Bless!

 
Nicole

I AM Not My Hair Pt. 2

Yesterday I was asked had I gone natural to be 'trendy'. I didn't have to think about my reply because I'd been thinking about going natural before it was even cool to do so, had even been natural 10 years ago when pregnant with my first born. Back then there weren’t a lot of stylists who 'specialized' in natural hair care and no where near the amount of products out today, so that love affair ended shortly after giving birth. I'd try several times over the next 9 years to have natural hair, but I always fell short. My definition of natural hair is: hair free of chemicals and not altered but in a natural or as close to a natural state as it can be. Yes in my opinion wearing a weave is not natural even if it looks natural or 'afro-centric', sorry to all my natural hair friends who call these protective styles. Yes, they protect the delicate natural hair from damage but they alter your hair's natural state, just my opinion.


I decided almost a year ago to kick my addiction for the creamy crack. Eleven days ago I took out my hair extensions, weaves, installments, or whatever you want to call them. I did it, the Big Chop 'BC' as the natural hair community calls it. Yesterday I cleaned out my closet giving away 2 shopping bags of unopened weave away and 2 jars of unused relaxer. I got rid of my $200 Malaysian 20' inch weave bought only 2 months ago as well as my half wigs/falls and pony tails. Why? I didn't want or need the temptation. My friend said it seemed sudden, and it was but I got tired, tired of trying to find a way around my hair. Even though I've always had a lot of hair it never did what I wanted it to do, my curls wouldn't stay unless they were gelled to rock hard status. It was never the length I wanted, well not on both sides. It was never as thick as I'd liked. The weave gave me 'the' look I wanted.

Now many natural women screamed I was oppressed, depressed, and overly stressed trying to fit into the white man's ideal of beauty. I never agreed, weave was the equivalent of makeup to me, enhancing my hair as makeup did my features. I just wanted something my relaxed 'natural' hair couldn't give me-versatility, where my hair couldn't the weave could. That was my ‘weave it til you achieve it’ theory. So nope this is not a trendy thing for me. I'm not looking to do the next 'it' thing. I've decided that I'm going to just be me, embrace the unruly curls God blessed me with.

With that said I'm not natural by any means and I don't plan on embracing "I'm Natural" Movement. First of all my hair is natural I am not, here’s why. I drink Diet Pepsi more than I should, wear make up every chance I get, I eat fast food and I'm sure they don't use organic meat, bread, vegetables or dairy products. I drink alcohol; have worn and may still wear acrylic and shellac to achieve a certain look on my nails. I own several pairs of Spanx, minimizing bras and even a few pair of pants that claim to enhance the shape of your butt. I wear heals not for comfort but to make my legs look better. I cannot say I'm a naturalista because I don't live a natural lifestyle, again I am not natural, my hair is natural. And while I agree that having natural hair is healthier for us I don't believe that it will fit everyone's lifestyle, I'm not sure that it fits mine just yet, but I'm willing to see.

I say to my sisters who are fond of their extensions continue to weave it til you achieve it. To my sisters who relax the curl out of their hair every 4-6 weeks do you boo. To my sisters who are in the natural hair community it does take a certain amount of confidence to rock your natural hair. To society who seems to give way too much attention to the hairs on the heads of African American women everywhere I say I am not my hair and my hair is not a trend, nor is it a political statement. It doesn't make me more or less black. It is not a trophy and is not to be worshipped if the texture is softer or the length is long. You should not ask if it is weave because I've achieved a length and shine you're not use to. Don't ask to touch it to see if it is soft. Don't tell me it's pretty when straight but not socially acceptable or professional in its natural state. It's just hair and the beauty in being alive is the ability to make choices and be different.

As African American women we still have to learn that it’s our diversity which makes us beautiful being natural in no way means superior or more swagged out as I’ve read. Having a relaxer does not mean you want to be white and wearing a weave no matter if it’s 1B Yakhi or braided up in an Afro-centric still is still altering your hair’s natural state. So stop thinking that if you’re natural and wearing braids as a protective style that you are some how better than the sister who had 100% Indian Remi hair sewn in her head, weave is weave no matter how you sew it or braid it up. Choose, be and live your definition of beauty and be happy with who you are! I’ve just decided to allow my hair to just be hair, for it not to make a political or fashion statement, be a conversation piece, make me pro-black or more socially conscious. I am still the same Nicole who in December of 2010 Wrote I Am Not My Hair and I still believe all of those things. It’s just now I am choosing to wear my hair natural but that in no way changes who I am.

Again, I sing, “I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations no. I am not my skin. I am a soul that lives within. Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person? Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity? I am expressing my creativity. If I wanna shave it close. Or if I wanna rock locks. That don't take a bit away from the soul that I got. If I wanna where it braided all down my back, I don't see what’s wrong with that…”
India Arie, I Am Not My Hair

Reality TV...Whose To Blame?

I would be a liar if I said I have never watched even a milli second of any of LAHH Atl. I've watched EVERY episode of BBW, RHOA, LAHH, and LAHH Atl. and pretty much any other reality TV show out there and I am sure that if Real Mistresses of Atlanta gets picked up that I would watch that as well. Even if you don't watch any of the aforementioned shows just by talking about them you are unknowingly advertising and making someone else curious enough to want to watch. My watching these shows does not mean I don’t value myself, or carry myself as a queen, it does not mean that I believe in materialism over morals. Nor does it mean that I don’t care about ObamaCare, Politricks, or that I am somehow amused by ghetto and ignorant behaviors and that I don’t respect myself, my culture, or my race.

I understand there is a lack of ethics in every single one of these shows, but does that mean I lack morals because I watch? Absolutely not! However, let’s get real and honest; these ‘Reality TV Stars’ are just pawns. Where exactly does the moral responsibility lay, with the viewer or with the production company, the ‘Reality TV Star’ and their agent, the TV advertisers, YOU, or is society as a whole REALLY to blame?


Reality TV is nothing new, Candid Camera was one of the first reality TV shows and it was based purely on people allowing themselves to be humiliated publically, all the current reality TV shows are much like Candid Camera. Yes, I the viewer allow these shows to stay on air because I tune in, DVR, and talk about the shows (DEMAND), and the production companies and TV executes come up with a concept that is juicer than the last show one which humiliates another human being, the ‘Reality TV Star’ who only wants their slice of the ‘American Dream’ so they willingly sign on and give their agent 20% and advertisers then fund the whole project (SUPPLY).


We have to be careful where we assign blame, because even if you don’t watch these TV shows your comments on Facebook and blog sites are advertisement. Your Tweets help these shows that you find so appalling to become a trending topic, these people who you call ghetto you’re your tweets help them stay relevant…social sites are the new advertising and well those of you who write blogs, tweets, and set aside time to rant on Facebook and other social sites well you do their job for free. All I am saying is the viewer is a small fish in this sea of immorality. Society has a lot to do with it.

So before you step off your soapbox of judgment take a look at how you fit into the puzzle of contradiction and realize you too keep these shows on the air and those ghetto individuals relevant.

HOPELESS?

Almost 3 months before the New Year life happened as it normally does but this time it came with a punch that was so powerful it knocked the wind out me. True to human form I cried, stressed myself out, got mad at no one and everyone around me, stop trusting those I once trusted and asked God, “why me, why now, why God?” I grew tired of hearing “everything happens for a reason, this is God’s plan for your life, there’s no testimony without a test, etc…” I exhausted myself of three cousins; you know them ‘would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve’. They were always in my conversation. If you would've..., I knew I should've..., My life could've..." These cousins will keep you living in the past, thinking of all the ways your situation could have been different.

My situation couldn't have been different because I am exactly where God wants me to be. Now by nature I am not an introvert so when I began shutting down and tuning out I knew there was an issue. Nor am I generally a mean spirited, spiteful, hateful person but when I began to spew words of venom through text messages, emails, phone calls, and face-to-face I had to take a look in the mirror and see this was not Nicole-I was broken. Broken into a million tiny pieces and in my mind I had no hope to be rebuilt or restored. I lived and wallowed in pain everyday from a past event. I was hopeless as Dion Farris says “as a penny with a hole in it.” Waking up everyday hurting and crying because of a past event(s) is not healthy nor is it productive.

No, it’s not productive to live in the past but in order to learn from those events you have to realize and accept the pain you felt. So when people say “let it go…’ “you have to forgive…” and my favorite “just stop thinking about it…” I want to scream, “Sure I’ll get right on that because it’s just that easy to do.” The reality of it is that forgiving is not easy, getting over being hurt is not something that happens over night, Let Go and Let God is not just a mantra or song that one sings and the pain is lifted. Removing yourself from a hurtful situation is a process, a process that for some can take days, months, and for others years. The negativity that comes with being hurt can drain you and while I try to stay hopeful I am a REALIST and know that that pain I feel is real. Everyday I feel it a little less, but it’s still there and it still hurts. It’s like falling off a bike, the pain from the bruise lessens each day but that scar is there to remind you of your fall. While I don’t have any visible wounds the memory is forever etched in my mind and therefore I will always remember the pain I felt.

I am embarking in a process of healing and I’ve decided today that I am ready. I’ve got my bags packed, (metaphorically speaking for all you literals out there in cyberspace), I am taking only the things I need on this journey and as I see fit I will continue to drop the excess baggage. On January 1st I penned a blog titled Regeneration and said that I am constructing a new Nicole and said “I am grateful this morning for this new life God has given me.” I was ready to enter that new life on January 1st but I wasn’t willing to let go of my past. All these things that happened to me did not make me a victim-instead it made me a Victor. I refuse to allow my past events to victimize me and make me feel less than. I am great and greatly made therefore all those that try to break me down will fail. I am a child of THE MOST HIGH and I am stronger than this challenge and this challenge is making me even stronger.

I am a work in progress and sometimes it is okay to take a step back and realize when you’re being ridiculous. I've not stopped, digressed, or stood still-I AM constantly moving.

I am not hopeless so don't count me out when you don't see what He sees.

20 Recession Proof Ways to Show a Woman You Love Her

So you’re in the dog house, again. Or maybe you’re one of those romantic types but you’ve run out of ideas. Maybe you just want to show the woman you love that you do love her but don’t have a creative bone in your body. Maybe you’re none of the above but just strapped for cash, either way I’ve got you covered. Most men are good for at least one romantic date so if you’ve exhausted all possibilities on what to do next try some passion, mixed with creativity and a little more effort than usual and see what happens. Here are 20 Recession Proof Ways to Show a Woman You Love Her.

20. Tell her. I know sounds easy right, but it’s not. You cannot walk up to your lady and just say “hey babe, I love you.” She’s heard it before. Get creative and find a way to say that she’d never expect. Write a poem, leave a few lines of a poem on a post it note and place it on the mirror so when she wakes in the morning she sees it, send her a text message first thing in the morning so she knows she’s the first thing on your mind, say it in another language. Whatever you do just be creative. Remember there are so many ways to say I Love You.

19. Lay with her in the bed without the expectation of sex. Yes, I know this will be difficult for many of you, but sometimes a woman needs to know it’s not just about sex. The two of you lying together, you holding her, and enjoying her company means a lot. Who knows, she may just initiate sex and you’ve both won. Cost you nothing but gives you intimacy.

18. Everyday for 7 days tell your woman 7 different things you love about her and don’t say something like, “I love that you give me head…” ughhh no, obviously you’re a man and men like head, tell her things you love about her-not things you love that she does for you. Cost you nothing, but makes her feel special.

17. Get a sitter and leave work a little early, cook dinner, desert and have it all ready by candlelight ready when she gets home.

16. Get a sitter and turn your living room into a movie theater, complete with popcorn, her favorite beverage and all her favorite movies. Let’s be realistic when was the last time you took her to see one of the movies she wanted to see? Not many men want to watch The Color Purple, Pretty Woman, or Sex In the City, but for one night make it ALL about her. Seriously, how much ESPN can one woman take?

15. Pray with her in the morning before you two get out of bed and pray with her before you go to sleep. God’s love is unconditional; let her know that you are a man of God by praying with and for her each morning and night. When your relationship with God is right, so will your relationship with her be.

14. While most women would prefer that you pay for her to have a spa day there are some women who find it sexy if you massage her feet and polish her toe nails. It’s not so much how the pedicure turns out then it is the fact that you thought about doing it. So go buy some foot soak, a pumice stone, some lotion with a scent, a nail file, and her favorite color nail polish and get your pedicure/manicure on.

13. Write her a love letter. Once you’ve written it, address it to her and mail it to your home address-if you don’t share the same address mail it to her home address. She will be shocked that you took the time to write her a love letter but will be surprised that she’s received mail at home from you.

12. Tell her to take a half day at work and to meet you at the park Have a picnic basket ready with fruits, chocolates, wine, and some music and plan a romantic picnic. Stipulation, it must be done in the spring/summer months unless she enjoys being cold.

11. Copy some of your favorite pictures from your first date, wedding, trips you’ve taken together, the birth of your children, and any other special occasions you two have shared. Place the pictures in digital picture frame (price varies from $30 to $200) and give her to her as a just because gift. Women love to receive gifts.

10. Make her a CD. Not of songs that she likes-that would be stating the obvious. Find songs that express how you feel about her. Place the CD in her CD player in her car and leave her a Post-It-Note that says “Press Play.” She’ll not only feel special but she’ll be surprised by your creativity and thoughtfulness.

9. One Saturday morning bring her breakfast in bed. Be sure that she is sleep and get up extra early to prepare a hot breakfast. Rent her favorite movie and put in the DCD/Blu Ray player put the remote control on the tray with her breakfast and wake her up to a wonderful breakfast in bed.

8. Prepare a warm bath with candles, soft music and a glass of wine. When she gets off work lead her to the bathroom and tell her to relax that you’ve got dinner, the laundry and the kids under control and that she can relax for the remainder of the evening.

7. Buy her a rose for every year that you two have been together and be sure to know what the color of each rose means. For example red roses mean romance, pink roses mean grace and elegance, yellow roses mean happiness, white roses mean purity and innocence, orange roses mean energy and desire, and lavender roses mean enchantment. For the meaning of colors go to http://www.rkdn.org/roses/colors.asp. With every rose be sure to say what it means and why you are giving it to her. Keep in mind a dozen roses generally start at $35.
6. Date your wife, I mean you had to date her before you got married and fell in love, continue to date her. Open the car door, bring her chocolate and flowers on the date, and ask her questions you don’t already know the answers to. Fall in love all over again by getting a deeper connection with your wife. What woman doesn’t want to taken out on a date. While date nights are easy and easy to do because you know for sure that this is day you are going out and you have a sitter, but be spontaneous and surprise her by arranging for a sitter and taking her out on a date other than your arranged “date night”.

5. Have fun together, play a game-not Monopoly or Connect Four, I am saying play a game about love and see where it leads you. One of the best games to play is ‘Would You Rather? Love and Sex: Over 300 Amorously Absurd Dilemmas to Ponder’.

4. Turn a room or several rooms in your home into a romantic getaway. Go to JoAnns get some leopard print fabric and throw it across your bed, light some candles, play some erotic music, buy her some animal print lingerie and play Tarzan and Jane…unleash your wild side and watch the sparks fly.

3. I hate to state the obvious but buy her a gift with her in mind. Maybe she has been talking about a new CD that is due to come out, the idea is to listen to what she is talking about and beat her to the punch. Get it before she gets if for herself and say “hey babe, I saw this and I thought of you.” Women love to know that they are on your mind.

2. Just be considerate of her feelings. If you know it’s that time of the month or that a particular day of the year is tough for her because of the loss of a loved one just be considerate and ask her if there is anything you can do, or just do something nice for her. Cook her dinner, massage her back, hold her while she cries and for goodness sake if it’s that time of the month buy the woman some chocolate, ice cream or an ice cold Pepsi and don’t make mention of her weight.

1. Be honest. The worst thing you can do to someone you love is to lie to them, even if you feel it is a little white lie-DO NOT do it! Remember the truth only hurts one time, but a lie hurts every time you remember it. Your relationship cannot last if it is built on lies.

*Every woman is different some women prefer NO romance and just want hot and heavy sex, so do what works for her. I polled and talked to REAL women to create this list so TRUST and believe these are things that REAL women want. Remember it takes only a little effort to make someone you care about feel special.

Should any of you try any of these things let me know how it works out for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Regenerated (re•gen•er•at•ed)

re·gen·er·at·ed - (r-jn-rt)
1. To reform spiritually or morally.
2. To form, construct, or create anew, especially in an improved state.
3. To give new life or energy to; revitalize.

It's 2012, many of you woke up hung-over-piecing your night together like a puzzle, made peace with 2011 and said “this year I am going to stick to my resolutions…2012 is going to be better than 2011…this year I will be financially, spiritually, and physically stronger and better than I was in 2011…” I could go on with all the things I heard last night, but I won’t. I just think it’s interesting that each year we all say we’ll do or be a better person than we were last year. I do too so I’m not knocking your resolution to be a better you.

Now, if you read my New Years Day blog from last year you’ll remember I spoke about a girlfriend who said "2011 is going to be a good year for me!" Now you’ll also remember that she said the same thing about 2009 as well as 2010. However, each year around midnight she was upset at how her previous year went. Last night at 11:45pm I got a text from that same girlfriend and it read “2012 is going to be the year of no BS.” I thought to myself “really?” Now every year she said claimed was going to be hers, but this year she boldly stated that this is the year of no BS. I agreed, so this morning in less than 140 characters I updated my twitter status to read “Team-NO BS this year...you're either for us/against us-we take NO prisoners so join us/move out our way.” Yep, 2012 is going to be the year of NO BS for me as well.

I’d be remiss if I moved on to 2012 without acknowledging 2011, which was definitely a year of awakening for me. Looking at the last 12 months of my life I realized I had been sleep. There were so many things that I had slept on and when God finally woke me up it was as if the lights had come on for the very first time, Oprah calls this an "Äh-Ha" moment. There were effects and people in my life who I thought were perfect, however these people and “things “proved to be perfectly flawed. Now if I call myself a perfectly flawed work in progress how could I ever expect anyone or any “thing” in my life to be perfect? I woke up today in great spirits, ready to conquer this life, but more importantly I WOKE UP.

I titled this blog Regeneration because it’s fitting, I AM constructing a new Nicole and I feel like I have been given a new life or energy today. I don’t expect you to believe that on January 1st that something just clicked and BOOM I decided enough of the BS already or that on January 1st that I woke up and all of my reservations/fears/issues/etc. from 2011 had ceased to exist or that all those things, situations, or people from 2011 would be forgotten because that wouldnt be true. This regeneration has been a work in progress for quite some time now. I however decided after reading my girlfriend's text last night that January 1, 2012 would be the first day of the rest of my life, that I would no longer look to my past for answers to questions that I know I don’t want to know the answers to. I can’t change the past, I can’t forget that these things took place, I can’t change the hurt I felt and still feel but I can stop living in it.-that hurt/pain/guilt/shame/defeat of the past. One should never put current energy on past events, it’s not healthy nor is it productive, this I now know first hand and will live out moving forward.

I am grateful this morning for this new life God has given me. I now understand what is meant by living two lives. You have one life that you learn with; these are the mistakes you’ve made-your PAST. The other life is the one you live, the moments that exist now-your PRESENT. Which life are you currently living?

Love, Life, Life!

Nicole

Not Easily Broken-2011 in Retrospect

Ms. Badu said it best. “…I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere…tried to move but I lost my way…” Yes I’ve stumbled, lost my way, lead others to follow me even when I was lost because yes misery loves company and I cried, how I cried in 2011. But without all these tests I’d have No testimony. It’s hard to hear people say “it will be okay” when you’re going through something difficult. I’ve heard “it will be okay” more times this year, but you know what, it was and still is okay because I’m still standing. I wasn’t built to break.

I’ve learned so much about communication, marriage-relationships in general, trust, and faith this year that it was hard to write only 10 lessons learned, but for the sake of time I narrowed it down to the lessons that really hit me hard. In No particular order this is what I took from 2011.

1. People will never learn how to treat you if you don’t tell them. We cannot go through life expecting people to read our minds.
2. If someone does something once in error, it’s a mistake, but if they keep doing the same thing it stops being a mistake and becomes a choice. Constant choices become habits. Be careful of your choices.
3. Listen to that little voice inside you; it’s God trying to talk to you. Don’t ignore Him, He wants a relationship with you and you NEED a relationship with Him.
4. Life is not about people who act true to your face, it’s about people who remain true behind your back. Watch for those who show their true colors when your back is turned, these are the people who CANNOT be trusted.
5. Be careful of your words because they most certainly WILL live in your future. Choose your words wisely and remember you cannot take words back, once said those words remain a permanent and constant reminder about how you felt at that moment in time.
6. Embrace your struggles as you do your successes, struggles are the best teachers life have to offer.
7. You will only truly prepare for a storm after being in one or witnessing the affects of one. We gain wisdom from our experiences. So there are NO failures, there’s ALWAYS a lesson to be learned.
8. Be kinder to yourself, no one is perfect and we will continue to make mistakes-it’s part of living.
9. Stop allowing other people into your marriage/relationship, not everyone deserves to be privy to what happens in your life because not everyone’s intentions are good.
10. FORGIVE in order to be FORGIVEN-it’s so hard, but it MUST be done.

FINSH this year off STRONG. Nothing can be done about the days behind us; so leave the pieces on the floor and move on. We have less than 5 days to head in a new direction with our relationships, our emotions, and our lives in general. Let’s not take old baggage into the New Year, let go of the pain from 2011 and imagine it gone. Remember everyday you wake up you are given another day to get it right.

God bless you all in the upcoming year and I hope you all take inventory for the stock you had in 2011.

Love, Live, Life
Nicole